Enough Already.

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

My heart can't help but me smiling these days. A far cry from three months ago when it seemed that tears were as common as breathing. Letting go is so hard. Pulling my kids from their relationships at school and the environment that we love...so we could take care of some debt. That was rough. Letting go of the income that my job provided that was going to allow them to return. That was rougher. Letting go of my own needs, wants, and desires. That was the roughest. Throw into that all the emotions and circumstances that accompany any of life's experiences and you have a result, that for a girl like me, should have had me purchasing stock in some sort of facial tissue company.

I sat on my bathroom floor one night recently, curled up by my space heater, under my favorite candle chandelier, and in my fuzzy bathrobe. I had a defining moment that I can now call ENOUGH ALREADY. In the midst of the rivers of tears and general panic that I was completely and irreversibly ruining my children's lives, I grabbed the strength to wave the white flag. To truly lay my heart at the foot of the cross. I do believe that the best way to deal with a problem is straight through the middle of it. There is a time for mourning, crying, questioning, and yes even anger. Then there is a time to accept that my Lord knows better. A time to choose to move forward.

Moving forward provides possibilities. Possibilities inspire me. Dead ends suffocate me. Over the last several weeks I have been scouring through endless blogs of fascinating women that I likely won't ever meet. Discovering possibilities that lay before me. The more I learn, the more there is to know. Blogging fascinates me. It's fantastic. Truly inspiring.

Right now I am curled up my fire and laying half under my Christmas trees...putting my thoughts out there for who knows who to read. There is something so strangely therapeutic about it. I have read countless other blog entries about family, home, children, art, and homeschool. It's as if I've been welcomed to peer through the windows of their home and straight into their heart. I can't thank these people enough for inviting me in. It makes me realize that I am not the only one who has cried her eyes out on the floor of her bathroom. Not by a long shot.

The strange thing is (as I had a hunch and a general mind numbing fear), in just 3 short months of homeschool, I have been challenged and pushed beyond belief. I really feel as if I have grown more than my kids. All of us are all on a journey. Mine different then yours and yours different then theirs. Just the way God intended it.

I am not usually one for New Year's Resolutions, they always seem doomed to fail. I would rather create a resolution on March 16th. This seems to me to stand a far greater chance of succeeding. However, this past year has been a year of enormous change and I just may have a list created before the ball drops, who knows. Anything's possible. I do know that right now I am overflowing with gratitude at this past year. I am learning to take the situations that come my way and move through them, and past them. All the while, letting the unchangeable go and embracing the opportunities that are in front of me along the way. What a gift.

I have so many ideas of things I want to accomplish and work on in '10. From teaching my 5 year old to read, to telling my husband much more often how very much he means to me, to giving my closet a make over (pics will come on that), to looking as fantastic as that woman does while skipping around on my lawn in a gorgeous black dress. It's all possible...right?